It’s been awhile since I posted last…almost a year actually. I have been having difficulty deciding what my blog will be…..is it about parenting – AFTER the empty nest? Is it about me? Do I include God and my relationship with Him? Because I couldn’t decide, I have been silent. So, after much deliberation I have decided that YES! It is about parenting after the empty nest, it is about me, my thoughts and my feelings, and it will definitely include my relationship with God, because as far as I am concerned, you cannot separate me from Him. So, whether I have one reader or none, it is still “therapy for MY empty nest”.

I have went through a myriad of emotions, changes, and heart situations since the last blog post on my youngest son’s birthday almost a year ago. While, much of it will not be shared on a public blog, I will tell you that it is never too late to change and become the person you were meant to be! It took many months, much soul searching, much humility, a lot of ownership, MUCH forgiveness.. – of myself and others, and a willingness to change and submit to the leading of the Holy Spirit. It wasn’t pretty and was, at times, very, very painful.

I remember, early in the process, (late 2013 early 2014) when a person shared with me what they had been praying for me…this person was someone I had NEVER talked to about anything personal, ever, and they began to share with me things the had felt in prayer. And it was basically, that due to the demand and responsibilities I had had put on me as a child, the choices I had made as a result of those demands, and because my heart always wanted to do the “right” thing, I had become a dysfunctional person, that functioned better than most functional people! However, this dysfunction warred against the true me, the person God had in mind, and had planned out when and before I was born! WOW! This was a lot for me to take in. So, I began to submit to the Lord in prayer and ask Him to show me where I was in this process – how do I get out of the entanglements of the choices of my past and where do I even begin?

He showed me a rest stop…….I was at a rest stop. You know, the places along the highway, where you stop during a long trip to refresh yourself, and rest. The place where you go because you need a snack, need to get out and stretch your legs, need to relieve yourself, or need to get some updated directions.(before google, of course!) The thing is, I hadn’t just stopped there to do any of the above, I was there taking care of the rest stop! I was cleaning it, sweeping, picking up trash, cleaning the windows, encouraging the folks there and sharing with them how to get down the road……but I never left the rest stop. It became apparent to me, that I had come to a stop…..I wasn’t going any further until I figured out where it was I needed to go. It went deeper than that – I had been happy there – I was happy to help others get on their way, and I took great pride in keeping that rest stop clean! The problem was, I wasn’t the caretaker of the rest stop! I had just done taken it on. However, when I did realize there was more – I would look around and not have a clue where to even begin or go……I didn’t even remember when I got there or how, but I had been there for some time; several years, actually.

Several weeks later, in worship one night at church, I heard something inside and I heard it loudly. I am not responsible for anyone but me…. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE BUT ME! Oh my! I knew that, but I hadn’t really KNOWN that until that very moment. As I let that sink into my spirit, I saw in my mind’s eye different garments literally flying off me! One was what looked like Napoleon’s coat, a large woman’s Moo Moo, and other garments, that never really fit me! No wonder I always felt like I was walking in sludge when I tried to run! God continued to have people speak to me – out of the blue – people that knew nothing of what I was going through, but always spoke truth to me, and continued to give me pieces to the puzzle of my life. (which is extremely cool, in my opinion – making us need each other, using the body to heal the body)

I still had many months of God removing layer after layer of man made rules, demands, assignments and responsibilities, and as I submitted to Him, He removed them with the precision of a surgeon’s scalpel. The result: I no longer recognize and barely resemble my former self! :) I love it! I am so much more happy and free! AND – I left the rest stop! ha ha! It is NOT my responsibility to keep it clean, pick up other people’s trash, etc. At first, I was like, “Man, I have wasted so many years…..how will I ever get back on the road I need to be on?” You know what? God has a great detour system! Whereas before, man had put me on a wilderness, rocky road with a inept vehicle, now, I am on a highway in an SUV! And, because I allowed God to touch even the painful parts of my heart, He, I believe, has put me right on the spot where I would have been, had I been on the right road all along. Only God can do that my friend.

I have had to let go of many things that I thought I needed to hold onto. After all, if I didn’t do it, who would????? (poor thinking and actually a form of pride) If it is not my responsibility, or a mandate from the Lord – I HAVE TO LET IT GO AND TRUST GOD TO DEAL WITH THE PEOPLE AND/OR SITUATION. I HAVE TO TRUST HIS WORD. I CAN PRAY – YES, BUT THEN I MUST LEAVE IT ON THE ALTAR. So, I have had to let go of people and the fear of man! I have had to let go of my children and family and realize God loves them more than I do and to trust the foundation they were given! Did I make mistakes? YES! And as I was grieving over time lost and mistakes made one day, God reminded me that He is the God of yesterday, today, and forever, and that as I repent, and submit to Him, not only does He heal my heart, but He can also step back into my past and heal hurts that I caused or remedy mistakes that I made! He can make new memories! HAHA! What a complete, mighty God we serve!

This life, this wonderful life we are given, is designed by our Maker to be abundant. Everyone, and I mean everyone, grows up with some level of dysfunction….we have all been at a rest stop at some point in our lives. And, yes, there are haters, and critics along the way – there are people who will criticize you and judge your actions, and think they know better for you….that is where you must submit all to the Lord. People only see what is going from the outside. It is very easy to tell them what they should and should not do – and face it; we are all guilty of this at some point. I also believe it is vital to have a pastor/Spirit led friend in whom you can trust and confide. There were days, that as long as I knew I was submitted to God and my pastor, it was enough. Had I not known that, I would have crumbled. But, there were days, I simply could not handle anything more….. my pastor was able to speak the words of the Lord to me, reassuring me, with authority that I was OKAY.

Do I slip up now? Uh…..yes LOL – However, the issues no longer are driving me from within, but rather on the outside of my vehicle trying to get my attention. Once I recognize it for what it is, I simply repent, if necessary, and keep on moving on. But many times, I don’t even give it a nod and run it right over! (whoohoo!) And let me tell you, if I can submit to these changes after living this way almost 50 years, you can do it too! God is no respecter of persons! He is faithful to all who call on His name!

Life was meant to be happy. Life was meant to be good. Jesus died that we might have life and life more abundantly. His grace is sufficient and amazing! I refuse to throw out grace because of a few who have perverted it! BALANCE! Jesus was the most balanced human being to ever walk the face of the earth. I accept his grace and I fear His Name! Not fear as – afraid – but in reverence and respect for His ways.

So, I plan to start writing more often and getting this show on the road! LOL – I plan to live my life with carefree abandon of the opinion of man! I plan to live my next 50 years with righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. I plan to live my life to the fullest for the glory of Jesus Christ and His goodness towards me. I plan to grow in my relationships and to strive to become a better version of myself. I plan to be a better wife and friend. And I plan to continue to love my boys and be a woman and a mom that they can be proud of. Outside of salvation, there is no greater gift that I have received than the gift of my wonderful boys who have grown into wonderful men. I am extremely proud of them and so blessed. Lord, thank You for my life. Thank You for loving me enough to be patient for my changes. Thank You for continuing to make the changes You desire. Thank You that You love my boys more than I do. Thank You. Thank You.